When the Holiday Spirit Goes Wrong
I am typically a forgiving person. In fact, I think I forgive too easily. My mind is quick to empathize with others and see things from their perspective, and I believe that all feelings are justified. Keep that in mind as I continue. I’m not petty. I swear!
I recently have been struggling with knowing what is an appropriate boundary for a few relationships in my life. I am currently not in contact with a few family members, and for me, that is a shock. In my past, I’ve only taken breaks from being in regular contact with anyone in my family, and that was so that I could figure out what I wanted to say. So for me to get to this point now where I ignore texts and phone calls and don’t send birthday cards is in stark contrast. I did not get to this point lightly. If you read my article “The Day I Stopped Living”, you will see that I suffered a great loss from which I have not recovered. That initial year was a very dark time for me, and as someone who is serious about being there for those I love, I needed my family to return the favor when I needed them. Or at the very least to show consideration for my plight. However, there were a few people who thought of their needs over mine, and for that, I cannot forgive them. It showed up through actions that really hurt me and showed that they did not have consideration for my feelings. My initial reaction was not to cut off contact, but to try to resolve the issue. I tried for months to communicate my needs and my understanding of where they were while still communicating my emotional needs, but my efforts were fruitless. I talked about it in therapy and we agreed that the relationships were causing more harm than good, in fact, only harm and no good, and that I was holding on to them out of feelings of obligation.
I choose to invest in the relationships that bring me joy.
As I said, my default is forgiveness, so even though I know I made the right decision at that time, I still want to try. Part of me still thinks that I can give enough rationale that they’ll see my perspective and ask for forgiveness, though I’m not sure why I think that. They’ve not reached out to see what could be done to repair the relationship. They’ve not said “I apologize for…”. They’ve not said, “Hey, can we talk about why things are the way they are?” Yet I do not like broken relationships, and I appreciate components of our relationship from the past. Nostalgia has me wanting to allow current contact, though I know there is nothing healthy that I get from these relationships now. And when I put it that way, it seems stupid to re-initiate contact and be crazy (doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result).
I think that during this holiday season — with magnified loss and being forced to hunker down, we are all examining relationships and determining what matters. I do not want any regrets if I — or they — leave this world with this unresolved, and I am sure others can concur. I do not know what is the best decision for you; but for me, I have to protect my sanity and peace of mind, and I choose to invest in the relationships that bring me joy.
